Fear is stronger than love.

I had known Jason for 13 years. He was my brother Chad’s best friend. They met back in preschool some 16 years ago. They grew up together. They spent almost everyday at Jason’s house, or at ours. I remember once I hit my early 10’s I had developed a crush on him. That passed as I matured because I viewed him more as a brother figure then as my brother’s best friend. We all had great fun together. I remember my brother and Jason used to tie me up in the backyard when it was summertime, and they would take turns practicing cartwheels over me; which sometimes they missed and in turn fell on me, hard. I remember they taught me how to play video games, and they helped me beat the bosses when I struggled. They were both my heroes.

Through the years they shared toys, books, stories, comments, laughter, hope, and friendship. They even decided to get an apartment together last year, and be roommates. Among all the things they shared, Jason wasn’t up for sharing his new girlfriend.

Jason had been dating Jennifer for a few weeks after Chad and he had moved in together. Everything was going well. Chad worked days whilst Jason worked nights. Jenn spent most her time at their place, and slept over many nights of the week. Because Chad had nights off, he and Jenn began speaking to each other a lot. They realized, after a significant time had passed, that there was love spurring between them.

When Jason came home the next morning, Jennifer told him how she didn’t want to be with him anymore. When he inquired as to why, her only response was that she had been with Chad the previous night and wanted him now, no longer Jason. Furious as to how his best friend could betray him and sleep with his girlfriend, infuriated with Jenn for doing so, Jason packed up and left.

When Jason forced my brother to pick him and all their friends over her, my brother followed his heart and went with Jennifer. That struck the end of a 16 year friendship.

Today, I saw Jason at the same city bus stop as me, downtown. We got on the same bus, and got to talking. In every question that I inquired, he did not want to reply. I didn’t realize why he was being reluctant to tell me, until he randomly pointed at me and said:

“Did I mention I hate your brother?”
“No, but I know that you do. Does that mean you also hate me now too?”
“No, of course not.”
“So why is it that you won’t answer my questions, then?”
“I’d rather keep Chad 100% out of my business from now on. By telling you how I’m doing, and what I’m up to, where I’m working and what I’m going to study at school in the fall, you may tell Chad, and that may come back to bite me in the ass.”

My brother figure, my hero, didn’t have enough respect to trust that I was being genuine in my questions. Even after 13 years of knowing each other, he still viewed me as Chad’s sister, and not his own. That will probably be the last time I see him. The last time that I want to see him.